Browsing articles in "Parody"

Yeah My Mama She Told Me Don’t Worry About Your JOINs

Dec 5, 2014   //   by Karen Lopez   //   Awesome, Blog, Data, Fun, NoSQL, Parody, Snark, WTF  //  1 Comment

BarbieBoutTheDataMed

(with apologies to Meghan Trainor)

Because you know
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t NoSQL
But I can love it, love it
Like I’m supposed to do
‘Cause I still got zoom zoom that in the database
With all the right facts in all the right places

I see the newbies are workin’ that drawing slop
We know that shit ain’t real
C’mon now, make it stop
If you got data models, just raise ’em up
‘Cause a Zachman Framework is perfect
From the bottom to the top

Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your joins
She says, “Data likes a little quality to keep it right.”
You know I won’t be no schemafree denormal Barbie doll
So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I’m
All about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data
Hey!

BarbieIT

I’m bringing quality facts
Go ahead and tell polyschematics that
Normalized data, I know you think it’s slow
But I’m here to tell ya
Transactional data’s perfect from the bottom to the top

Yeah my mama she told me don’t worry about your joins
She says, “Data likes a little quality to keep it right.”
You know I won’t be no schemafree denormal Barbie doll
If eventual consistency’s your thing then move along

Because you know I’m
All about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data

Because you know I’m
All about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data

Because you know I’m
All about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data, no trouble
I’m all about the data
‘Bout the data
‘Bout the data, ’bout the data
Hey, hey, ooh
You know you love the data

Barbie 2010-12-30 002

I’m all ‘bout the data…

Dec 5, 2014   //   by Karen Lopez   //   Blog, Data, Data Governance, Fun, Parody, Snark  //  No Comments

AllAboutTheData

Holiday Pairings with DBMSs & Datastores – Part I

Nov 26, 2014   //   by Karen Lopez   //   Blog, Data, Database, DLBlog, Fun, NoSQL, Parody, WTF  //  1 Comment

It’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving weekend in the US and the rest of the world is thinking about how much MORE WORK we are going to accomplish while our American teammates are stuffing themselves with Tofurky and mashed potatoes….what?…hold on…. Oh, right. Turkey and a box of wine that someone’s sister got for a great deal at a Piggly Wiggly last June and has been saving it in the trunk of her car for her boozy in-laws (that would be YOU!).

This got me thinking about what sorts of holiday beverages the rest of us should be pairing with our database management systems and datastores. I have to say datastores because some pretentious people data professionals insist that database means relational database. Of course, those of us old experienced enough know that there were databases long before Ted Codd had that wild road trip with his friends  Raoul and Dr. Gonzo and discovered  developed the relational model for shared data banks.

So while the Yanks are dipping into their third helping of candied yams with marshmallows on top, we in the rest of the world can be productive. But since we aren’t in the US no one will think us odd for supplementing  our work with appropriate hydration products. To help you out, I’m recommending holiday beverage pairings based on what data technology you are touching over the next four days. Four blissful days of the most productive work week of the year.

Comma Separated Values Files (CSV files)

Moonshine in Ball Jar. Chris Herbert.

CSVs were the original data hipster, before XML became cool. It was text. In a file. On a disk, with magnets, that spun around. Your data might be comma-delimited or length delimited…it doesn’t really matter.  It’s text and anything you want to do with it you have to do by hand. So obviously, these data formats pair well with moonshine, the homemade booze of choice in most of the US. This data could also pair well with bathtub gin, but only if the bathtub is clean enough. Typically not an option, therefore, for DBAs and most of the rest of us in IT.

Excel

For Excel I’m going to split the pairings based on vintage year of release.  Excel is the perfect candidate. Let’s not kid each other here: business are run on spreadsheets, not databases (Ed. – I don’t think you can say that Me:  It’s my blog and besides that I’m drinking, I mean sampling, all these pairings. In other words, I may or may not be drunk already).

That means that Excel is everyone’s real data storage solution of choice, so it pairs well with the common denominator beer of choice, Budweiser. It’s cheap, there’s always some in the fridge, and it works, for the most part. So for Microsoft Excel 2003 and earlier, this Bud’s for you. The working man.  The typing women.  Yes, you.

Excel + Power BI

image

But with the release of Excel 2013 and self-serve BI via the Power…wait, hold on…. let me look up to see if it has a space or not…okay, there’s a space today….Power BI, Excel gets a bit more kick. Power Query, Power View, Power Pivot, Power Stuff, really. We’ll need the picante version of Budweiser Chelada. A chelada is beer plus Clamato. Clamato is tomato juice mixed with clam juice. The spicier version is Chelada Picante, so Budweiser + Tomato Juice + Clam Juice + salt + lime + chili peppers. Phew! I need an Excel slice and bad pie chart to show this. But I’m too busy drinking. This isn’t to say that Excel plus Power BI isn’t a great BI tool framework, but if it’s your datastore, you’ll need more booze in the morning. And like its primo the Bloody Mary, a Chelada makes for a great 7 AM meeting drink.

Oracle

Glenfiddich 50

Ah. Now we are on to the expensive stuff. Larry has to fund his yachts some way (Yes, that joke is getting old. But I’m drinking, so it’s okay. I mean sampling, so it’s okay.) Again, we need to factor in various versions of the Oracle suite (Presidential Suite, I should say) of products.

 

Exadata

For Exadata, I recommend this lovely 50 year old scotch. At about $30,000 a bottle, this is the equivalent of about one licensing core with no add-ons. It’s older than Oracle itself, but 50 is the new 25. So I hear.

It’s perfect for you and your sales guy to share. In the Presidential Suite. Of a club. but the price point seems spot on for the work you’ll be doing and the rate you should be charging.  You are charging Oracle rates, aren’t you?

Oracle Enterprise Edition

For Oracle Enterprise Edition, nothing beats a XO Cognac. With hints of rose petals, tobacco and leather, it’s going to feel just like it did when you signed that license agreement on your date with the Oracle sales guy. (Ed. – I don’t think you can say that. Me: I just did. And I’m drinking. You, editor, have never had to date an Oracle salespro as part of your assigned project duties and these pairing samples aren’t going to drink themselves.) The good news is that this comes with fine Baccarat Crystal glasses (aff link). They are free, until you use them. After you use them, of course you will have to pay for support on the glasses, at 23% of list price per annum.

Oracle Standard Edition

hennessy0.jpg

With Oracle Standard Edition, I recommend a  pint of Hennessy with a silicone flask cover to ensure you have a good grip on your booze and yourself. Both the Hennessy and Standard Edition fit “affordable and full featured”, if by full featured they mean “keeps you warm in the data centre”. If you are using Standard Edition, you can’t afford those grown up bottles yet because they aren’t paying you Larry rates. Plus the silicone will remind you of… (Ed.- STOP.  Right there.  Just STOP.  Me: Okay!!! {shhh…I may refactor this when my editor is sleeping off his turkey.})

Sybase

File:Honey-Fruit-Mead-Brewing.jpg

Oh, the father of SQL Server, sort of.  At least they have a common ancestor in the evolution of databases.  Do people use this DBMS anymore?  I’m so old experienced that I can remember when Sybase was called SQL Server 6.5 (Ed. – I don’t think that’s true.  Me: Shhh..don’t yell so loud. I’m sampling here.  And I’ve lost my Glog.  Mead…whatever.)

If you are supporting this DBMSs, I recommend mead. Because your Sybase DBA has been around so long it was probably his first drink. Don’t get me wrong: fruit, alcohol, honey – it’s all good stuff.   If you use Sybase as a special one-off DBMS to support a vendor package, I recommend a can of Redbull and a shot of whatever you find under the sink in Executive washroom.  Even if it’s a cleaning product. Maybe add a teaspoon of honey.

DB2

File:Burning Manhattan Cocktail.png

Ah, DB2. One of the first fully relational databases (Sorry, Ted) I ever worked with. I’d have to say that this classic DBMS, in mainframe, client server and whatever zombie hellspawn we classify AS/400 Power i as will always be close to my heart.  I want to go old school here, but still classy, so I’m going to recommend a Manhattan. Who can’t love rye (“Canadian whisky”), sweet vermouth and a cherry? Really, this is the only “manly” drink that legitimately requires a cherry.  For the Power i series, I’ll have to go a bit more retro and recommend that you just pick up some fallen fruit in your office parking lot.  It’s probably well fermented at this time of year.

 

SQL Server

image

SQL Server 2008 R2D2 and earlier
I recommend here Tito’s Vodka in airline bottles. Prior to version 2012, SQL Server was primarily licensed with a server + CALS licensing scheme. You bought a server license, plus CALs for each user/device/whatever your salesperson said needed a license.  I like Tito’s vodka. It’s good and affordable. Plus I can buy airline bottles of it on the plane which helps me with portion control, much like those 100 calorie snack packs of Oreos one eats to lose weight. So I’m told. FYI: a good flight attendant cuts you off after 6 of these little bottles. A bad one cuts you off after two. A fantastic flight attendant says "Oh, did I give you your 6 bottles already? No? Okay, have these." The same thing worked well with CALs – the more you had the happier everyone one was.  It was easy to plan for new servers because this is the way it had always been done. But now….

image

Then along came SQL Server 2012 and a new licensing model. CALs were gone and core licensing came along. That means magnum 6+ litre-sized bottles of vodka for everyone! But not everyone can afford to fill those magnum bottles to the top with high-priced vodka. The good news is if you’ve already purchased giant bottles, you can pour out a few core’s worth of liquid to save money. Then cry about the room in the bottle that could be filled with vodka but isn’t.  In the long run, the new licensing model is simpler.  But for now, you might just have to live with less kick until you can right-size your servers.

Microsoft Windows Azure SQL Database Azure SQL DB

SNAGHTML6f6584

I’m not even sure what the brand name for cloud products are any more.  It’s not just Microsoft, either.  I figure since there are no boxes of DVDs to ship around, brand names change on a whim.  Just like trends in database design.  For Microsoft Azure cloud-based databases and datastores the good news is that you can just pay as you drink. Just like at your local bar. You don’t have to do much – most of the administration and maintenance is taken care of for you.  At work home I recommend you purchase a Star Trek Replicator and order a Blue Cloud cocktail every time you create a database. The good news is you can also have them delivered. This is known as Cocktail as a Service (CaaS). You need to go put this into your cloud budget request now, before we hit year end. Do it now.

Finally…

These pairings are based on my experiences purchasing, renting, and borrowing these technologies.  Your mileage may vary.  If so, I’d love to hear about it below.  And yes, I have more pairings coming soon about other data formats and databases (Ed. – Please promise me you aren’t going to write about NoSQL datab…datastores.  Me: I promise {I will}).

Thanks to my co-samplers & writers Joey D’Antoni (blog | @jdanton ), Karen’s Whisky (@karens_whisky) and Thomas LaRock (blog | @sqlrockstar)  You should follow them because they know booze and snark.

You might also like: 5 Things to Do to Help Your Family’s Tech Ecosystem Over the Holidays with Pairings

SQL Server 2014: New Datatype

Apr 1, 2014   //   by Karen Lopez   //   Blog, Data Modeling, Database Design, DLBlog, Fun, Parody, Snark, Space, SQL Server, WTF  //  18 Comments

image

Today is the general availability release date for the newest version of SQL Server, aptly named SQL Server 2014.  I’m excited about many of the new features being rolled out today, but the ones that will impact data architects, modelers and database designers are the new datatypes that will be introduced.  But first, for those of you who have their heads stuck in the deep piping and spit-managing of databases, some background about datatypes:

A datatype is a categorization of data items, based on the range and types of data that it can contain and a set of actions that can be validly taken against that data.

As such, applying a datatype to a column in a database makes it work as another type of constraint.  A tinyint column can’t hold my Starbucks name (Kitty) because it constrains the values to integers and only a subset of all integers, for example.

The number and type of datatypes (yes, I’m being meta there) varies depending on the strength and quality of the tequila the DBMS product management teams were drinking at their last Vegas Blow Out team building retreat, as called for in the ISO Standards for databases, AKA

ISO/IEC JTC 1/SC 32 – Data management and interchange.  

One of the things that developers and DBAs will tell you is that choosing the right datatype is important for performance reasons.  And by that, they mean the smallest datatype you can fit most of the data in. And maybe a bit smaller.  Soooo much bad info out there, I know.  When Knowledge Conquers Fear, we can love our data.  Thank the Cosmos you have me here to help you out.

What’s new in SQL Server 2014: A New Datatype

This new datatype is exciting for me as a data & space enthusiast.  The new feature finally allows modern database designers to properly specify the constraints for tracking time and location data in the same column. Yes, this means that your developers and DBAs no longer have to use comma-delimited values in their relational database designs when they need to track how much time and personal space they need to get up to speed on professional database design.  And it’s big enough to store that many man-hours.  Yeah. I said that.

BTW, it seems that Stack Overflow is *the* place to find info on how to implement comma-delimited values in database columns.  Kids, don’t get your database design knowledge from random forums on the Internet.

Anyway, back to the news!

The new feature makes so much sense with Microsoft’s push to the Cloud, it’s embracing of NoSQL technologies and all.  It’s AWESOME.

 

spacetime (Transact-SQL)

Defines a time and location in a universe.

SQL Server 2014

spacetime Description

Property

Value

Syntax

spacetime [(fractional seconds precision)], (universe, 5DGeometry)

Usage

DECLARE @MySpacetime spacetime (1000, 2014.12.0.2000.8,  image )

CREATE TABLE Table1 ( Column1 spacetime (1000, 2014.12.0.2000.8

image ) )

Time Range

to +∞ and beyond
(I hope you have lots and lots of memory and storage)

Space Ranger

@cmdr_hadfield

image

Universe Range

Please check data.NASA.gov for the up-to-date listing of known Universes Multiverses, as this changes beyond Microsoft control. There is no control. There is no center.

5DGeometry Range

[you’ll need a 5D monitor to view this range.]

Timezone offset range

Thank Venus, no, nope, never. We are scientists here. Use Multiuniversal Universal Time Coordinates (UTMC).

Daylight saving aware

Oh, for Carl’s sake. Do you really think something like spacetime needs to be sullied by DST?

Storage size

If you have to ask, you don’t ever need to use this datatype. Seriously.

Accuracy

+/- 10 Plancks. Depending on how far your server is from the Sun. Earth’s Sun, that is.

Default value

1989-05-15 12:00:00.1000  2014.12.0.2000.8 SNAGHTML5a35643

Calendar

Hubble

SQL Azure Windows Azure Dammit!
Microsoft Azure DB Support
Yes, of course.  But only in Premium plans and higher. 

 

Special Considerations and Gotchas

Some gotchas with this new datatype:

  • Due to the highly multi-dimensional, multiuniversal nature of this datatype, there isn’t any backwards compatibility.  Unless, of course, you can fold spacetime and go back and change earlier versions of SQL Server. But if you could do that, you wouldn’t be reading my blog, would you?
  • Just like the confusion over timestamps, you can’t really treat this like a date or time datatype.  It’s special.  And spatial. 
  • This means you can’t convert it to date, time, datetime, timestamp or spatial datatypes, either.
  • The 5D geometry thing is way too complex to explain in a single blog post.  But for those of you that managed to stick it out through some college level math, it involves parsecs (the correct usage of the term) and the double declining balance method of space depreciation.  In this first rollout of spacetime, the geometry completely ignores most OctoDeca Bands.  Except for Miller tracks.
  • You can’t use normal date and geometrical math on data in the columns. You can bend or fold the values, but since space has no center, and time has no beginning or end, spacetime has no beginning or end. It is infinite.  So the usual infinity rules apply.
  • This datatype is only available via O365, but that makes sense since as announced today, SQL Server 2014 is also only available via O365 subscriptions.
  • This datatype is only available at O365 plans at U3 and higher.  Wait, I don’t think I should have said anything about the new Universe O365 plans.  Forget I said anything.  That’s probably not going to be a rule in our universe.  Seriously.  No NDA broken.  I think.

 

Note

Some of this post may have been inspired by some bad veggie April Fish (poisson d’avril) I had last night.   If you want to get some real information about the new features of SQL Server 2014, you probably shouldn’t read random blogs on the internet on launch day.  Especially when it’s 1 April.

Did you catch all the special references in this post?  Let me know.

I Welcome You All to Cloud Cuckoo Land! #NoSQLKitty

Mar 5, 2014   //   by Karen Lopez   //   Awesome, Blog, Data, Fun, NoSQL, Parody, Snark  //  2 Comments

I introduce to you, NoSQKitty

 

image

With this dialog, I had to do this. I had no choice, really.  Trust me. Just ask Biznis Kitty.

Emmet: I’m just gonna come right out, I have no idea what’s going on or what this place is at all.
Unikitty: Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!
Emmet: So there are no signs or anything. How does anyone know what not to do?
Unikitty: Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules. There’s no government, no baby sitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy moustaches, and no negativity of any kind.
Lucy: You just said the word "no" like a thousand times.
Unikitty: And there’s also no consistency.
Batman: [the clown and the lizard man are dancing around him] I hate this place.

Every single line in that scene had me choking on my popcorn.  There’s a blog post in each one.  No rules? Nope, not in schemaless.  No signs? Nope.  No bedtimes? Nope, none. As a matter of fact, I want to make up t-shirts with each of these lines. Everything is Awesome about them.

I’m not anti-cloud, at all.   Nor am I anti-NoSQL (Hey, I know that’s a double negative.  Don’t blame me that the name NoSQL seriously needs rebranding.)    Plus, with a Starbucks name of Kitty, this is *so* my character.  Cloud Cuckoo Land and all.

*And I really do get what eventual consistency is all about. I know it means there is consistency. I know when it’s perfect for solving a problem.  I’m just quoting Unikitty.  Blame her.  But watch out for Angry Kitty if you do that.

Subscribe via E-mail

Use the link below to receive posts via e-mail. Unsubscribe at any time. Subscribe to www.datamodel.com by Email


Recent Comments

Categories

Archive

UA-52726617-1